i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
