I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
