I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
