What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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