Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
