I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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