my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
