we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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