Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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