i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
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I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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