Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
