I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
