I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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