we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
