He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
