ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im six kinds of drunk right now
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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