Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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