So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
