I love black thongs
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
