I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
