I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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