We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
