and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I still have a little drunk in my system
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
