the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
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you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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