Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
