i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize