I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
