i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
