my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
