sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
