You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he was CRYING into my vagina
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
