i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
