I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
