im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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