Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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