Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
