i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
