I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You are a genius and a whore.
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