what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
