don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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