Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
