I just pynch a tree in the face
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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