can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
