guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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