You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
