the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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