just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
