what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
