He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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