wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
