i was rollin on her like bob the builder
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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