I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
where are my eyebrows?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
