I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
