I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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